THE LATEST

To hear my recent NPR radio interview, click on "Naked in Paradise" at…

http://www.outinthebay.com/archives.htm

To see a Youtube video of my erotic book reading in San Francisco, go to…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcsq5VxMI8g

                                                 PARTICIPANTS WANTED

I’m making a feature-length documentary about people who have cured themselves of serious illnesses using natural means (herbs, supplements, diet). If that’s you and you’d be willing to be interviewed for my documentary, please let me hear from you. Drop an email to... lenrich@earthlink.net

MORE LIFE LESSONS

    From Ray Richmond, Studio City, California:

Here is what I’ve learned over the years…

1. It's a big waste of time to worry about what other people think about you. The odds are overwhelming that they're too busy thinking about themselves.  

2. Love is what we call the desire to be with someone who reflects our best qualities and overlooks the rest.

3. Karma is the great equalizer. But it doesn't always equalize equally.

4. People are generally as happy or unhappy as they want to be. Optimists will find the good in bankruptcy, pessimists the bad in winning the lottery.

5. Religion is bullshit. Here's all the spirituality you really need: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "Live and let live." The rest is just subjugation, profiteering and hypocrisy.

6. We care way too much about what people in Iowa think.

7. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can help you make a fairly decent down payment.

8. The truth -- and taking responsibility -- will set you free.

9. We're all one bad day from being the lead story on the news.

10. There is nothing quite so satisfying as taking a good dump.

11. No drug yet invented is nearly so powerful as denial.

12. That weird sore on your left thigh probably isn't cancer. But it's good to have it checked out anyway.

13. Who somebody fucks is their own business, as long as it doesn't involve unwilling/unwitting children or animals.

14. It's all about being able to laugh -- at life, at the daily absurdities we encounter, and (most of all) at ourselves.

15. We all silently harbor the irrational hope that the whole death thing doesn't really apply to us.

16. Being with friends who accept and appreciate us is the true essence of life.

17. Dogs will never betray you. The jury is out on everyone else.

18. It's far easier on the soul to trust foolishly than to live in wary suspicion of everyone's motives.

19. Idealism has gotten an unfairly bad rap.

20. No one ever said on his or her deathbed that they only wish they'd eaten less cheese.     

    From Romi, Seattle, Washington:

1. Everyone needs to fuck a lot more than they do.

2. A college education is way over-rated.  It's great to be well-educated, but college is not necessary in order to have a happy, successful, well-lived life.

3. If you eat too much crap, you'll get fat.

4. Make your kids work their asses off for whatever they want in life.  Nobody is entitled to anything but love and respect.  Everything else is negotiable.

5. Cosmetic surgery is not necessarily a bad thing.

6. Many animals have deeper souls than people.

7. Men in uniforms are really hot.

8. It feels better to do things for other people than to do things for yourself.

9. If you don't make dust, you eat it.

10. It all comes down to kindness, common sense, problem-solving skills, and accepting responsibility.  Look it up, figure it out, take charge, deal with it, and smile a lot.

11. The world is full of morons. 

                                              LEN’S LIFE LESSONS

Here is what I’ve learned over the years:

1. Seeing psychiatrists only made me fear for their sanity.

2. Doctors made me sick.

3. Organized religion turned me into an atheist.

4. Supermarket chains are purveyors of diseases and death in every aisle. Heroin doesn’t kill you as fast as high fructose corn syrup.

5. I hate to admit it, but I am what I feel. The way I react to the world is probably what’s causing the world to react to me. Existence is a mirror.

6. This is as close as I get to believing in God…we live on a miraculous planet where everything we need to heal ourselves has been magically provided by mother nature.   

7. I’m not scared of terrorists. I’m scared of the plastic that leaches into my food. I’m terrified by Teflon, microwaves, legal drugs, farm-raised salmon, and genetically-altered milk.

8. None of my worst fears have ever come true—and I doubt if yours will either.

9. I have observed that the people who behave themselves, hold down good jobs, sacrifice for their children, go to church, and follow the rules, have the crappiest lives.

10. If you can deal with the truth, it makes life more interesting.

IF YOU WANT to share your own list of what you’ve learned about life from living it, please email your personal inventory to daddy-in-training@earthlink.net.  Here are a couple others I’ve receivd…

From Mikey in Newport Beach, California:

1. Have as many orgasms as you can.

2. No one really cares what you think.

3. Just because you believe in something doesn’t make it true.

4. Organized religion is about power and money—not the spirit and morality

5. Suffering is good, it takes you to bliss.

6. It’s fun to be mean if you can get away with it.

7. When you get upset with people bare if mind that everyone’s days are numbered. Neither you nor they will last.

8. When shaking the Prince’s hand remember it’s the same one he wipes his ass and jerks off with—unless he’s left handed

9. If someone tells you they 'know' God - run.

10.  All knowledge is contingent, tentative, and imperfect.

     From Phillip in Palma, Spain:

1. People are both better and worse than they appear.

2. Self expression is the best we can aspire to.  ("Between thought and expression lies a lifetime")

3. Honor, and the ability to show love, in whatever twisted form, is all you can possess.

4.  Most of the world is seriously confused.  And terrified of their own mortality.

5.  Rich people are mentally ill, and need objects and power to sustain themselves in their moral degradation.

6. Never go back, or at least only for holidays.

7. Clarity of mind is fleeting and precious.

8. The worst of humanity is illustrated by the state of the roads and the butchering of animals.

9. The story of my life is the battle between my needs and other peoples'.

10. The body and soul of everyone is fragile. War and aggressiveness is the result of people pretending otherwise.

11. Pasta tastes the same whatever shape it is.

TEARS BEFORE BEDTIME

    My boyfriend asks for a tissue. He’s crying. “It just suddenly hits,” he says sobbing, “I don’t know why.” Then he gets a grip, after all he is driving along the cliffs of the coast—but now I start to cry. Because he’s trying not to cry, I turn away and pretend to look out the window. I don’t want to set him off again. I yelled at our cat for shitting on the floor, not realizing he was sick and slowly dying. I should have understood that something was wrong—but I went to anger instead of listening. Now memories of our amazing animal are twinged with Jewish guilt.
    So many times Ernie tried to communicate to us that something had changed. His strange behavior these last few weeks all makes sense now. Like him, coming up on the couch to lie between us, something he never did, or how he was always waiting at the door for our return. “Yeah,” agreed my lover, “He knew he was going to die and I think he wanted to be close to us with what little time he had left.” And now I'm crying again. I quickly turn to look out the window, as if the scenery we’re passing suddenly interest me.
    The days have been spent throwing away tissues full of tears. He’s gone. Getting rid of the bowls and toys will be the hardest part. The saddest thing my boyfriend said the morning Ernie died was,” I’ve lost my lover”. I wasn't jealous. He knew Ernie for sixteen years and me for only six. They slept together most nights and spent many solitary hours in each other’s company, when just the two of them lived on a boat.
    After Ernie’s death, my lover sat grieving with the “Fine Living Channel” playing aimlessly in the background—holding himself with both arms wrapped around his chest and his head cocked to the side—as if it hurt too much to hold up. He put on his happy home shows for the comfort and safety of the familar. When he curls-up in bed at night without his cat, I look at him and wheal up with tears. It’s his pain that hurts the most, proving yet again, how very deeply I love this guy.

***

    I’m still shaking with chills. I was in the bathroom with the door almost closed and suddenly the door opened very quickly, but only enough to let a cat in. I thought it was my boyfriend, but then I saw he was still asleep. There isn’t a window on that side of the door and there was no breeze. I couldn’t have asked for a better goodbye. The ghost of Ernie came to see me the day after he died. I was so convinced that I asked his spirit to come up on the bed with me, and in the darkened room I petted the air around my invisible cat and spoke to him, as if he was still there.
    “I love you. I miss you. Thanks for coming to see me.” I rubbed his little ear, just the way he likes it—then stroked him under his chin and said, “Oh, Ernie, be happy wherever you are.” His body was gone but his spirit had returned, or so I imagined, but I had to know for sure—so I put the door back where it was and waited. The door moved again, just like before.

LUBRICATE YOUR MIND

     If you want a free bottle of delicious raspberry-flavored lubricant all you have to do is come to A DIFFERENT LIGHT BOOKSTORE in San Francisco on Wednesday, November 28th, at 7:30 pm—or
A DIFFERENT LIGHT BOOKSTORE in West Hollywood on Thursday, December 13th at 7:30 pm.
     So that’s the exciting news. I’m not as tasty as fruit-flavored lube but I will be reading one of the hotter chapters from my new gay book, “Naked in Paradise” at those events. The chapter entitled, “Straight as a Question Mark”, chronicles my sexual adventures with the horny, curious straight men who answered my gay L. A. Weekly personals ad.
     The events promise to be more exciting than a mouthful of fruit flavored lubricant!
     I’ll also be interviewed on Sirius radio’s, THE FRANK DECARO SHOW on November 9th and NPR’s OUT IN THE BAY on November 29th.
     Then In January my boyfriend and I will check into a gay resort in Palm Springs for a couple nights so I can do another erotic book reading from “Naked in Paradise” at the PEPPERTREE BOOKSTORE. It should be hot. I hope they have air-conditioning.
    More free bottles of raspberry-flavored lubricant will be given away to all who attend.
     How can I be so extravagant not to mention tasteless? Well, my Jewish mother just happens to be one of the largest manufacturers of sex toys in America. Her factory, in downtown Los Angeles, supplies many of the sex shops in this country with lubricants, lotions, dildoes, and notions. So, the little lubes I’ll be giving away were all made, with loving care, by mom. And yes, they’re very tasty—and Kosher! What else would you expect from a Jewish mother than something wholesome and delicious?